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Jokes
Sept 6, 2009 21:42:05 GMT
Post by rinso on Sept 6, 2009 21:42:05 GMT
An RAF fighter pilot was flyin over Afghanistan when he noticed 2 flyin carpets alongside, manned n armed with machine guns. Reacting to the danger, he flipped his plane over into a loop, came up from behind, and shot them both down. he returned to base, and was immediately set upon by his CO. "WTF was that? youre in a heap of trouble now!" the co stormed. "what do you mean?" asked the pilot. "they were fkin allied carpets, u fool!"
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andy2003b
First-Team Regular
Lower League Scout
Posts: 575
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2009 21:09:59 GMT
Post by andy2003b on Sept 11, 2009 21:09:59 GMT
that was fantastic never heard of that one mate
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andy2003b
First-Team Regular
Lower League Scout
Posts: 575
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2009 21:23:20 GMT
Post by andy2003b on Sept 11, 2009 21:23:20 GMT
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
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Jokes
Sept 15, 2009 22:09:08 GMT
Post by karmakoma on Sept 15, 2009 22:09:08 GMT
@andy: nasty but great lol
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Jokes
Sept 15, 2009 22:13:02 GMT
Post by karmakoma on Sept 15, 2009 22:13:02 GMT
I will try one. I only know it in my language, will try to translate and hope that it still sounds funny.
.......
Mother Earth and Venus meet in outer space.
Venus says to the Earth: "Oh my Goodness, you don't look well."
Earth answers: "I don't feel well. I am sick. I have Homo Sapiens."
Venus. "Oh I see... This too will pass"
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Jokes
Sept 16, 2009 6:26:24 GMT
Post by karmakoma on Sept 16, 2009 6:26:24 GMT
A man is sitting in the outsold stadium at World Cup Final. Beside him an empty seat. Another man seems quite irritated about that fact.
He asks: "Who in the world has a ticket for the World Cup Final, the most important event in sports, and leaves it unexploited?"
The other man answers: "Listen. This seat belongs to me. My wife should have come with me. But she died not long ago. It's the first World Cup Final that we can't watch together since we'd married."
"Oh, I am terribly sorry. But don't you have any relatives that could have come with you instead of your wife?"
The man shakes his head. "Nope. They're all at the funeral."
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2009 2:41:03 GMT
Post by rinso on Sept 23, 2009 2:41:03 GMT
andy > nasty.. nasty.. nasty.. lol
karmakoma > love the second one!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid pregnant dog was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Jokes
Sept 29, 2009 19:57:19 GMT
Post by karmakoma on Sept 29, 2009 19:57:19 GMT
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid pregnant dog was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car. Just great
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2009 18:29:40 GMT
Post by +Mirage on Sept 30, 2009 18:29:40 GMT
Got this emailed to me today.. not the best but still alright Why I fired my Secretary Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... .. ... .... On the couch... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... .......... ........... ............ ............. .............. .............. Completely naked
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2009 18:56:36 GMT
Post by +Mirage on Sept 30, 2009 18:56:36 GMT
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though.'
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Jokes
Oct 2, 2009 14:12:14 GMT
Post by rinso on Oct 2, 2009 14:12:14 GMT
lol Good ones there Mirage, loved the secretary one!
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Jokes
Oct 2, 2009 14:20:26 GMT
Post by rinso on Oct 2, 2009 14:20:26 GMT
Not strictly a joke, but still...
One bitterly cold winter a sparrow had spent two nights out with only the scant shelter of a tree. He decided that he could not survive the third night so he left the tree to find better shelter. As he flew he got colder and colder till his little wings froze solid and he fell to the ground. As he lay freezing he realised that the end of his life was nigh. He prayed for death to come quickly when suddenly, in his semi-conscious state, he had the feeling of being enveloped in a warm covering. He regained consciousness and found that a cow had made a luxurious deposit all over him. The new lease of life and the supreme comfort made him very happy and he started to sing. A passing cat heard the singing, located the heap and carefully removed the excrement to reveal the sparrow, which it promptly ate.
There are three morals to this story:
1.If somebody shits on you, they are not necessarily your enemy 2.If somebody gets you out of the shit, they are not necessarily your friend. 3.If you're in the shit and happy, keep your mouth shut.
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Jokes
Oct 2, 2009 17:25:14 GMT
Post by +Mirage on Oct 2, 2009 17:25:14 GMT
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
A man is watching his favorite t.v show ,while his son is upstairs watching something else .
The son comes down the stairs after his programme is finished looking a bit confused.
"Dad ive just been watching something on t.v and ive a question for you"
"Go on what is it son?"
" Whats love juice ?"
The Dad nearly spits his tea all over himself and is totally mortified .He thought it would be a few more years before he had to have this conversation with his boy.Awkwardly he carries on.
"Eh well you see son ,when your older and your with a girl you really like and eh....well your relationship starts to get more physical and your both at the point when eh...you want to take things to the next level .This is when you will both eh....want to have eh....sex" .
"SEX!!??"
"Yes son sex "
"Whats love juice got to do with sex Dad?"
The man is cringing by this point and mumbles on..
"Well Son when a woman is wet down there between her legs it means her eh.. body is ready for her to have sexual intercourse ,sex.
Head down he just mumbles on..
"This wet stuff down there between her legs son is what people sometimes call eh... love juice"
The young boy looks totally bewildered and confused..
"Eh ok Dad thanks"
The Dad now quite proud of himself on how he handled what was becoming a very awkward moment says..
"Can i just ask you something now son?"
"Sure Dad"
" What exactly was it you were watching upstairs?"
"The tennis"
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Jokes
Oct 2, 2009 18:37:34 GMT
Post by rinso on Oct 2, 2009 18:37:34 GMT
Lulu was a prostitute. (slag). One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one. As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line. When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?" She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!" The policeman fainted.
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Jokes
Oct 2, 2009 18:39:58 GMT
Post by rinso on Oct 2, 2009 18:39:58 GMT
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits.
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